Now, this was more like it. Not hunting down the reasons why weird skinless animals from another dimension were attacking people, just a good old investigation into a mob boss before he tracked down one of your best friends and your captain's husband and killed them like he had at least three other people in protective custody.

Although, if she weas terribly honest, right at this moment, Rosa was sort of wondering if she preferred the skinless monsters from another dimension. At least they also came with hot bartenders and drinking for research. Not...



"Okay, first of all, Rosa," Boyle started, "you look amazing."

Sure, if amazing meant she looked like she'd just walked off the set of Jersey Shore; hair poofed and teased like a high school weeb, hooped earrings, blue eye shadow for days, a fake leather skirt shorter than her temper. They'd found Seamus Murphy's mistress working at a salon in Bay Ridge, and since Rosa had been away, she'd been pegged as the best choice to go in undercover as a customer, since the girlfriend certainly wasn't going to talk to cops. Great. Nothing she loved better than letting strangers touch her head. Rosa rolled her eyes.

"Secondly," Boyle continued, "I made an appointment at the salon with Nikki, for you, under the name Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada. I had fun with the name."

"Clearly."

"Here's the plan. Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada gossips about her love life. Then, Nikki opens up about hers."

"Yeah, this is the problem," Rosa said. "I suck at gossiping." Unless, apparently, it was about sociopathic hot leaf water freaks.

"Which is why I brought along a specialist," Boyle assured her, gesturing to his side, and before handing Rosa an earpiece, "Gina will be in your ear feeding you stories."

"I will be basing Gabriella on my sister's friend, Dana," Gina said. "Just be warned. Dana real sloppy."

And the next thing Rosa knew, she was sitting in a chair at Desdemona's Hair, smirking up at the reflection of the beautician in the mirror, smacking her gum as she pull out her best accent for the occasion. Seivarden might not be able to voices, but Rosa actually could, much to her chagrin.

"So, Nikki," she drawled between gum smacks and smirks, "I always wanted to get my hair cut here. Everyone says you're the best. Oh. My. Gawd. I love your earrings. Where did you get those hoops?"

"Mmm," Nikki made a face, touching one lightly, and she shrugged. "I don't know."

"Oh no," said Boyle back in the van, "Nikki's not a talker. We're screwed."

"Don't worry, angel, Gina's got this." And Gina stretched out her hands, fingers laced together. "Crackety-crack." And leaned in to the mic. "Rosa, repeat after me and don't change a thing."

"Can I tell you the craziest story?" Rosa mimicked the voice in ear without hesitation and with appropriate gusto. "One time I was, like, sooooo drunk, and this meathead comes up to me, and his body is hot, but his face is, like...okay. So I'm like, whaaaat?"

Twenty seven minutes later, Gina (and Rosa by proxy) were still talking.

"And I was like, bitch, I'm not gonna sleep with you just because you promised to take me to the Bahamas. Take me to the Bahamas first, and then we'll see what happens, okaa~aay?"

And eighteen minutes after that:

"I was only with him because he drove a Jag-u-ar. Turns out it was a Mercury with a Thundercat taped to the hood."

And twelve more...

"And that relationship lasted for three months. I don't know why we broke up. I guess we just grew apart when he went to prison for life."

And finally, they finally seemed to have reeled Nikki in. "I hear that. The guy I'm seeing is into some shady stuff."

"Right?" Rosa prompted.

"There it is!" Boyle jumped quickly on the mic. "The breakthrough. Follow up, follow up!"

"So," Rosa drawled, "how'd you guys meet?"

"That's a funny story," Nikki chuckled a little, "for next time. You're all done. And you look hot, girl."

That...probably would not be the word Rosa would use for it.

"No, no," Boyle moaned, "she was opening up! Rosa, figure out a way to stay in that chair."

And, sure, Rosa had an idea. But she definitely didn't care for it.

"Hey, Nikki?" Rosa's voice reached a pitch it rarely hit. "I was just wonderin'..." Ohhh, this was hard, but damned if anyone said she wasn't dedicated to the job. "How do you think I would look..." And here, finally, her whole act faltered, just a little, as she braced herself for these next words, "as a blonde?"

Nikki pulled back a little, to give Gabriella's reflection a dead straight, girl-do-not-be-telling-me-you're-joking look.

"Like a Danielle Steele novel."





As they had hoped, Nikki continued to open up as Rosa's hair got progressively lighter, and the minutes ticked by.

"So I used to see my boyfriend on Friday nights after his wife went to bed," she rambled, "but then he left town a couple of weeks ago."

There it was, finally, into what they were actually there for...

Aaaaand Nikki turned her around to face the mirror. "You're all done here, gorgeous."

And at that full look at that teased-out, bleached-blonde mane surrounding her face, Rosa couldn't help letting out a scream of terror. Once she quickly tried to pass off as a laugh, clapping her hands in...er...um...delight. "Ahhhh-hahaha, I...love it!" Oh, God, kill her now. "But finish what you were saying. Where'd your boyfriend run off to?"

"Oh," Nikki shook her head, "that's a story for next time."

"Rosa," Boyle pushed, "we're so close, you can't leave!"

"Tell her you want a perm," Gina prompted.

And Rosa died inside. "I want a perm," she said, swallowing down her pride. "A...big ol' perm."

"Great idea!"



[[I HAVE BEEN SITTING ON NEW CANON FOR A WHILE AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND IT'S TIME TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!! Scenes transcribed/stolen from Brooklyn Nine-Nine S05:E12, "Safe House." I'm going to have so much fun these next few weeks.]]

[[eeer, open if anyone wants/needs to get in touch with her]]